Forget, “Here comes the bride…”
How about, “Here comes the couple with a strong, healthy partnership…”
My cousin is getting married this summer, and so she and the family are in the final throes of last-minute planning – table decorations, reception games, flower girl dresses, and more. She’s not alone: Most couples get married in June, August, September, and October, despite the notably increased costs incurred during these high-volume wedding months. Couples make a lot of emotionally-based and socially-influenced decisions during the wedding planning process, many of which contribute to the average cost of weddings rising to over $30,000 in 2016.
Many couples do not consider premarital education and counseling to be part of the relationship and wedding planning process, despite the clear benefits it can provide – especially in relation to wedding costs. Depending on the type of premarital counseling or program, you’ll pay less than the cost of a moderately-priced wedding dress. If you’re able to seek counseling from a provider on your insurance panel, or take premarital classes through your church, you’ll pay much less (maybe even nothing). With the emotional, financial, and time commitment marriage presents, is it not worth it to figure out the potential pitfalls and develop strategies to overcome them, so they don’t have the power to ruin the relationship?
As a therapist, I’ve seen many couples seek counseling late in the game – after years of poor conflict management and communication pile on top of each other to create a mountain of hurt and resentment that is almost insurmountable. This is a difficult place to start from in moving toward a changed and more satisfying partnership, and is one reason why couples therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Imagine instead the power in identifying problematic communication and conflict patterns, potentially polarizing personality differences, family and developmental issues, values differences, and disparities in goals and dreams before marriage. Imagine the confidence and groundedness possible in a relationship in which both partners understand these differences, and have developed ways to accept and manage them. In such a relationship, resentment doesn’t gain so strong a foothold.
Given this rosy picture I’m painting for you, why don’t more couples seek premarital counseling? Certainly, some couples find there are financial or sociocultural barriers, or may struggle to find a therapist who offers this type of counseling. For some couples, it doesn’t even occur to them as an option, or something worth considering, in the midst of all the more traditional wedding planning. However, I think there are also deeper fears at play here. Sometimes we know when something isn’t healthy for us, but we do it anyway. Maybe there have been some red flags in the relationship, but there are competing and compelling reasons why you’ve stayed in it. We’re great at talking ourselves into doing something we think we should do, whether that should is tied to our own, our family’s, or society’s expectations. A lot of us are also good at putting our fingers in our ears and screaming, “la la la la la,” avoiding signs that something isn’t right. Yes, it’s possible that premarital counseling would reveal something truly concerning – something that you cannot or will not be able to negotiate, compromise, or accept. And this might mean that your wedding plans and current vision for the future are derailed. The alternative is a marriage that is inconsistent with your values, the loss of relationship and financial stability down the road, disruption to family/children, lost time, and more. Definitely a lot more consequences than choosing the wrong flower arrangements for your wedding.
A licensed mental health professional who has experience with couples can work with you to develop a marital preparation plan, helping you feel confident as you and your partner embrace a life together. You can find more information here and here, and/or contact me at heidi@ardernpsychology.com to discuss premarital counseling options.