None of us fits in everywhere, but each of us fits in somewhere.
Over the years, I’ve found that, with some clients, asking cheerfully about their upcoming holiday plans prompts less than enthusiastic responses. For me, the holidays are a mixed bag – I have beautiful memories of holidays as a child, though as an adult, I lost both my parents during the holiday season. Though having young children of my own now means that there’s an energy and excitement to the holidays that wasn’t there before, my feelings around this time of year are bittersweet. I reflect on who and what I have, whom I’ve lost, and the role changes my experiences and choices have prompted.
Every day, we take on a variety of roles – some by choice, some by history, some by necessity. Our earliest roles are those our family system creates for us – The Smart One, The Funny One, The Peacemaker, The Scapegoat, The Troublemaker, The Responsible One, The One Who’s Allowed to Be Irresponsible, The One Who Will Fulfill the Parents’ Own Unfulfilled Dreams, etc. As adults, we often continue to play these roles in our families, and in new relationships. However, that doesn’t mean we enjoy the role we’ve been assigned, don’t chafe at it, or outright rebel against it. It’s simply difficult to rotate outside the gravitational pull of these roles.
Since families get together most frequently at the holiday season, these old, involuntary roles are resurrected on the family stage. Trouble is, despite the pull of these roles, human beings have a way of evolving as the result of learning and new experiences. So, those old roles may speak to a part of you, but may not fit quite as well as they used to. Maybe you’re ready for a more versatile role, for your family to see you differently – in some families, however, there are powerful reasons why you’ve been put into the role you’ve been in, and there’s a strong interest in keeping you typecast. This makes for a potentially painful, uncomfortable, or contentious holiday gathering.
Your personality, values, and culture will contribute to how you respond in these circumstances – whether you begin to avoid family gatherings all together, endure them stoically, act out your assigned role temporarily, make clear your intention to star in a new role, or take another path.
Regardless, know that you have the power to re-write your story. Even though your story began before your birth, and was begun by whomever raised you, you have inherited control of your story – you are the first author now. You are the only person who truly sees yourself in the fullness of time and experience, who knows intimately the beliefs and emotions that shape your decisions and relationships day-to-day. You know your past, you exist in your present, and you envision your future – and no one else has that level of insight or privilege when it comes to you. Use this to take charge of writing your own story, giving yourself a role within it that fits the person you are in this moment. This role will feel natural, unforced, and right. And will help ground you despite the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.*
None of us fits in everywhere, but each of us fits in somewhere.
*How could we use drama metaphors without quoting Shakespeare?