One of the most common conversations I have with clients revolves around identifying and letting go of negative self-judgments. This process can seem like somewhat of a paradox in the therapy session – after all, aren’t you coming into therapy to figure out/talk about what’s wrong with you and fix it? Doesn’t that imply some self-criticism is necessary?
It’s difficult to grasp, let alone put into action, the idea that you can self-reflect, identify what is and is not working for you in terms of thought patterns and behaviors, and shift these, all without clinging to negative self-judgments. Notice the use of the word ‘clinging,’ as opposed to ‘having.’ It’s not realistic to eliminate such judgments – you cannot decide not to have a thought. However, you can practice not clinging to that thought/judgment – and the quicker you notice the judgment and let it go, the less likely it is the judgment will catapult you into a shame spiral.
Letting go of negative self-judgments requires practice – it takes time and effort to unravel what is often a lifelong pattern. You can start TODAY by adding a daily self-compassion exercise to your routine. Be aware of immediate judgments that come as you read that sentence – e.g., “I don’t have time to add anything else to my life.” The pull and pressure of other obligations are powerful. Also powerful is replacing 5 minutes of scrolling through social media with a 5-minute self-compassion exercise. I think you’ll find that it becomes more and more rewarding over time to devote these few minutes to yourself, and you’ll likely add more.
A good exercise to start with is Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break:
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body. Now, say to yourself one of the following (this is mindfulness/awareness of what you’re experiencing):
—This is a moment of suffering
—This hurts
—Ouch
—This is stress
Remind yourself of the idea of common humanity:
—Suffering is a part of life
—Other people feel this way
—I’m not alone
—We all struggle in our lives
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or, adopt the soothing touch that feels right to you.
Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Say to yourself one of the following:
—May I be kind to myself
—May I give myself the compassion that I need
—May I learn to accept myself as I am
—May I forgive myself
—May I be strong
—May I be patient
Self-compassion will help you break down some of the barriers to change that have been holding you back – it will help you to see yourself as someone worthy of good things, and capable of the growth you want to achieve in your life. You deserve it.