In my blogs and other writings/postings, I often talk about starting the process of growth and change – because it’s tough! It’s tough to confront something in yourself, tough to sit with it, and undoubtedly tough to either try to make changes yourself or reach out to someone to help you.
Say you’re past these initial stages. You’ve been growing in new ways and experiencing the emotional and self-esteem boost that comes with reaching these goals. You’re home free. Hello, bright future!
That’s part one of the story of change. But, besides getting started and creating the change you want to see in yourself, guess what else is tough? Getting others in your life on the change train with you. Sometimes, growing and changing is hard for us because of our longstanding patterns and ways of being within ourselves and the world. However, just as we do not live in a social vacuum, the changes we make in our lives do not occur in a vacuum. Our behaviors and choices impact others. While the changes we see as positive for ourselves are often also favorable for those close to us, there are times when people in our lives do not benefit from our personal growth. For example, as you begin to set better boundaries for yourself in a vital relationship, the other person is likely to push back on those boundaries and fight you on the change you’re trying to make. If the other person fights hard, it’s easy to become exhausted, give up on change, or go back to old behaviors.
Sometimes, the resistance put forth by others in our lives is not so blatant – even the most toxic of relationship dynamics can be stable and feel normal. So, when your personal growth threatens this unhealthy norm, you may find some resistance or push back from others in your life in that situation, as well.
If you find yourself experiencing this pushback from others in your life as you make healthy changes for yourself, consider the following:
- Is it possible that this person, or this relationship, is too toxic to keep? Ask yourself, why have you maintained this relationship? Is the pushback you’re experiencing a sign that this is not a relationship that will encourage you to grow? Maybe it’s time to leave such a relationship in the past.
- .If you’re seeing a therapist, talk to them about the potential benefit of having your loved one join one of your sessions. It might be easier for you to discuss the importance of your growth with your loved one and the type of support you need with your therapist’s help. Seeking ongoing therapy with the other person, with a new therapist, may also be super helpful.
- Whatever boundaries you decide to set in your relationships, remember that maintaining them is a lot more complicated than setting them. Find ways to check in with yourself regarding your areas of vulnerability to make sure you’re staying consistent in your boundaries and sticking to your values. For example, if you strive to say yes to fewer obligations, set a reminder in your calendar weekly to check in with yourself and see how you’re doing with this goal.
As you continue to make strides toward your goals, be sure to consider these barriers to change, and explore them with your therapist. In doing so, you’ll build your resilience and sustain the growth you’ve worked so hard to accomplish!