This morning was one of those mornings when a song came on in the car that perfectly captured my emotional and cognitive moment. That’s one of my favorite things about music – that mysterious, spiritual experience of my brain connecting to someone else’s brain, and their words and melody describing and evoking something that I might not even have articulated to myself just yet. The song was “Easy as Hello” by Sunny Sweeney – here’s a taste:
If goodbye were as easy as hello
Could forget about someone you held so close
Pack it up and just move on down the road
Sleeping like a baby every night
Wake up in the morning and feel alright
Wouldn’t be such a heavy load
If goodbye were as easy as hello
The past week has been populated by conversations about goodbyes, and about loss, in my house and in my social and professional spheres. In these interactions, I have been reminded of the following:
If goodbye were as easy as hello…
Loss is not easy or straightforward – it’s a complex idea and experience – we often do not consider a move, a job change, declining health, or the loss of a relationship or friendship, to be equivalent to grieving a death. However, these experiences are not as distinct in our brains as you may think. When we shut down such experiences, or judge ourselves for them, we’re both invalidating our feelings AND our connection to whatever it is we’ve lost.
Wouldn’t be such a heavy load…
Many of us have not developed the skills to talk about loss or help someone with their heavy loads of loss. We struggle to talk to our children about loss and death, often in a misguided attempt to protect them. When others are dealing with loss, so often I hear people turn to toxic positivity and platitudes – e.g., “Everything happens for a reason,” or, “be grateful for the time you had.” Instead, whether it’s your own loss, your children’s, or someone else’s, simply give the gift of acceptance, space, and compassion. Don’t try to fix it, don’t try to smooth it over, don’t try to end the loss experience before its time, and don’t be afraid of it.
Pack it up and just move on down the road…
There are no rules in terms of moving on down the road of loss. Just like you may feel love and joy when you re-experience particular memories from the past, you will also feel sadness and loss when you re-experience other memories from the past. This doesn’t mean you haven’t achieved “closure” or that you haven’t “grieved enough” (these terms are in quotation marks because they are misnomers and fallacies). On one level, it’s just how our brains work – our senses take in information, our brain connects that to things it already knows, and Bob’s your uncle, a memory invades and you’ve got the feels.
And now, back to Sunny Sweeney:
I’ve never been the girl lost for words
I don’t know how to say it, ‘cause it’s gonna hurt
Yep….and at the risk of sounding like a therapist, the hurt is supposed to happen, and you don’t have to hurt alone. It’s important to remember that feelings come and go like waves – the ocean is always there, but it’s not always choppy. When it does get choppy, give yourself the time and space to weather the storm, and invite someone supportive to weather it with you.