Last week, our kids’ school e-mailed families in the wake of yet another school shooting, this time in Nashville. The message was kind and compassionate, and also shared in great detail ways that the district and the school are ramping up security protocols and preparing students and staff as best they can for threats. If you are a parent/guardian or a schoolteacher/staff member, you can empathize with the riot of emotions such an e-mail triggered for us – and have probably received similar messages yourself.
For many reasons, these threats are not going away, and we will continually be forced to manage the fear, anger, and grief that comes with these tragedies. How do we do this, especially when our children also need us to help them understand and manage their feelings?
- Pay attention to and validate your own emotions (and those of your kids):
The emotions related to threats of violence in schools are particularly difficult to manage because both fear and anxiety are at play. Fear is an emotion based in reality – it’s one way our brains react to a known threat. Anxiety, on the other hand, is based in an unknown or future-oriented fear. School shootings are happening – they are known threats – however, we don’t know when or if one will happen in our own spheres, making them non-specific and unknown. Identifying the fear vs. anxiety is powerful when it comes to understanding your own emotional experiences, and those of your kids. If you don’t know how something is impacting you, you can’t engage healthy coping strategies – our emotions are communication beacons, letting us know that there’s something we need to pay attention to. Observe and have compassion for yourself and your emotions, and role model this for your kids.
- Connect with other parents/friends/colleagues:
You are NOT alone in your fear and anxiety (or your grief or outrage). While it’s important not to limit our conversations with other parents to worries about school violence, it is vital that we connect with others who likely share our emotions. It’s easy to start doubting ourselves and the validity of our emotions, to feel “crazy,” and also to have doubts about how to cope or talk to our kids about scary things. There’s a wealth of support and information to be gained from fellow parents/caregivers, from teachers, and from other professionals. Building a community of support is important not only for coping, but also for preventing tragedy.
- Speak up and encourage your kids to do the same, and get help when needed:
A huge advantage of creating community around you and in your family’s school is increased awareness of issues of concern happening within the school, within families, or for individual kids. Talk to your kids, and to their friends. Engage with teachers, staff, and administration, and consider becoming more involved at your kids’ school. Learn about the strengths and struggles, and resources available to help those who need it. Be aware of how to use appropriate hotlines in your community or state to let schools know if you’re worried about the potential for harm (in Colorado, you can use Safe2Tell: https://safe2tell.org/). Seek professional mental health treatment for yourself or your kids if you have questions or start to worry about the kind of impact emotions are having on relationships, work/school performance, and daily living.
- Be active in managing your mental health:
When fear, anxiety, anger, outrage, sadness, grief, etc., combine into an emotional soup, the effects may be felt in various ways. Sleep is reduced or becomes less restful, unhealthy avoidance strategies rear their ugly heads (think: alcohol use, sugar cravings, excessive shopping, etc.), focusing on work/school becomes difficult, relationships suffer, and normal parts of daily life become unmanageable chores. Being proactive in identifying your go-to avoidance strategies, ramping up (or finding ways to at least keep up with) your healthy coping, and reducing access to unhealthy coping strategies, can all reduce the chances of getting burned by the emotional soup.
- Do something – engage with a cause that matters to you:
Another common emotion that gets stirred into this emotional soup is helplessness. If you are an adult who is involved in the care or raising of children, your primary job is to insure their safety. School violence threatens the safety of our children, and also threatens our perception of our ability to keep kids safe. While opinions about keeping kids safe certainly vary, you can battle the helplessness by getting involved in your school and community and being part of the conversation about keeping schools safe. Consider getting involved in organizations that are doing work you believe in, whether on the smaller/community-based scale, or on the larger statewide or national stage.
You’ll find that your unhealthy avoidance strategies struggle to gain a foothold if you are engaging with and validating your emotions, and being active in your kids’ lives and community, in ways that are consistent with your values.