Why does it seem as though the more I want something, the further it runs away from me?
Almost all of us have despaired over this question at one time or another. Whether it’s a hard-won promotion, an attractive person we’d like to learn more about, a quality we’re striving to imbue in ourselves, or a way we wish to look, be, or feel – desiring something we don’t have is part of the human condition. Sometimes, the experience goes beyond what feels normal, and we find ourselves ruminating or obsessing over something, spending lots of time and energy on trying to obtain this elusive thing. Maybe this desire has even crowded out other important things, which then suffer (e.g., relationships, our work, our health). If this sounds like you, or someone you know, open up your word processing program or the Notes function on your phone, and answer some questions.
Describe to yourself and write down, in 10 words or less, this thing you want that continues to escape you. Then, while focusing on this concise description of what you want, ask yourself the following questions:
- When did you decide you wanted this? Think hard – what was the moment, timeframe in your life, and/or the precipitating event, that first turned your focus to this?
- Why do you want this? What do you think it will do for you? List the ways you anticipate your life will be better, more fulfilling, etc., if you get what you want.
- What’s the emotion vs. the logic of getting what you want? Is your desire based on an emotional need you wish to fulfill, or an instrumental one? Does the thing you want make sense to others when you share it with them? Does it make sense to you?
- What have you done to try to obtain or achieve the thing you want? Have you set a goal that is reasonable and attainable within the timeframe you want it? List the things you’ve tried already – and then reflect upon your brief description of what you want. What haven’t you tried? Break your description down into its basic elements, and list one thing you can do to satisfy each element.
- Think of times when you’ve gotten close to getting what you want – what happened to derail things? Do you sabotage yourself? Are there one or more persistent barriers that come up? Essentially – why do you think you have not been able to get what you want?
- Have you ever considered that the thing you want isn’t actually what you need? The Rolling Stones might have been onto something. Maybe something within you is holding you back from reaching what you think you want because somewhere inside you know that it isn’t healthy or growthful for you. It’s possible that you might have needed and wanted this thing at one point in your life, but as you change, so do your goals and values. Maybe that ever elusive thing only seems desirable because it is elusive, and not because it’s really what’s right for you at this time in your life.
Whatever it is you’re searching for, consider inviting it (or, at least the idea of it) to walk alongside you for a time. Stop chasing it – instead, consider this desire, this ideal, to be your equal. Take away the element of the chase, and you may find that you are able to see your surroundings more clearly – along with whatever you might be missing on the roadside.