There’s an amazing book by Jennifer Senior called All Joy and No Fun. I read this book initially when my oldest daughter was still a baby, and it resonated for me on a deep level – despite my as yet limited experience in parenting. I still feel limited in my experience as a parent – in fact, this is a core take-away from the book, and a key issue many parents, especially mothers, in my practice share with me. While most jobs require continued learning and practice in order to attain expertise and mastery, there is still usually a sense of knowing, of confidence, of being settled in one’s skills and abilities. Not so with parenting. Tiny humans are complex, so different from us, and so different from each other, and have a way of tossing new whammies your direction whenever you think you have something figured out. The emotional extremes of being a parent, at least being a parent NOW, bring a feeling akin to piloting a small boat in the ocean – one minute, you’re firmly on the boat, oar in hand, direction in mind, feeling strong and sure. The next minute, you’ve been hit by a wave that capsizes your boat, and you find yourself swimming against the current to find your oar, crawl back on the boat, reorient yourself, and find again that feeling of strength and surety. No wonder this process, this role we take on, consumes so much of our emotional and physical energy, and makes it hard for us to find time and space for the parts of ourselves that have retreated to safety in the hold of our boat.
My blogs for the summer will explore and expand upon this theme, and hopefully resonate for those of you who are experiencing the wonder and fear of piloting your own boats through the choppy waters of parenting.
A List of Things That Have Changed Since Becoming A Mother (culled from experiences as a therapist, friend, and mother – all shared in first-person voice, because these voices belong to all of us):
- “My simultaneous appreciation for and suspicion of quiet.”
- “My tolerance for bodily fluids is at nurse-level.”
- “The quantity and depth of emotion I’m capable of, and how reactive it causes me to be.”
- “How simple and how complex it is to teach someone how to be a good human. And magically assuming I know what it takes to be a good human.”
- “My body – in obvious ways, initially (e.g., pregnancy, breastfeeding), and then followed by longer term changes in weight, shape, and function. Who knew pregnancy could contribute to carpal tunnel syndrome, which then can recur forever?”
- “The degree to which my need for alone time has increased – as the availability of this time plummets.”
- “I am more aware of the wonders and beauty of nature, of the tiny details and moments that make up a day, a life, because my children draw my attention to these.”
- “Doing piles and piles and piles of laundry – followed by a blissful 7 minutes in which the hampers are empty.”
- “The thought of feeding the fish makes me want to run away because it’s yet more living creatures to take care of.”
- “I will do almost anything to make my kids laugh because that sound strikes a chord in my soul.”
- “I can complete an entire bathroom break (by myself) in 45 seconds.”
- “I have found dozens of uses for baby wipes and will now and forever have them around the house.”
- “My awareness of potential trip and fall hazards should mean I am the head of OSHA.”
- “High school physics really does matter – especially when my kid asks me how the wheels on our car help to make our car move. And, my creative writing and theater classes also still matter – especially when I totally make up an answer to that question.”
- “My child telling me they miss me and want to spend more time with me gouges my heart out.”
- “Thinking about what to make for dinner starts at 6:00 am and is like a slow, daily torture.”
- “I used to be organized. Now, each school year results in multiple bags full of drawings and art projects, slowly colonizing the closet, clearly with the goal of establishing a permanent settlement.”
- “No one except our family wants to touch the inside of our car with a ten-foot pole.”
- From a stay-at-home mom: “I never knew I could feel so guilty.”
- From a working-outside-the-home-mom: “I never knew I could feel so guilty.”
Toggling between the joy, frustration, wonder, anger, hurt, pride, guilt, anxiety, and fulfillment inherent in parenthood can be exhausting. And, there are short and longer term consequences of this exhaustion, if you don’t stay self-aware, supported, and daring. More to come in June….