Muscle Up, Buttercup
I have two daughters under age 5. They are both outspoken, stubborn, loving, brilliant, and funny. My eldest is creative, imaginative, socially-driven, and wishes to please. My youngest is analytical, focused, curious, and cares much less about pleasing others than her sister seems to. There’s so much joy in watching them each develop, witnessing their relationship grow, and imagining the women they’ll become. Of course, this joy is tempered by anxiety – about all those usual things parents are anxious about, like one’s children being happy, healthy, and successful. When you have daughters, there’s a whole other level of anxiety, however, in regard to their emotional and physical safety. As girls growing up in a culture that is rife with gender-based discrimination and violence, how do we, as parents, prepare them for this while also empowering them?
My husband and I recently had a conversation about whether either of our daughters will end up in a STEM-based field of study. My husband is a techie and has visions of bonding with our kids over Linux programming. He contents himself in the meantime with epic family Lego building sessions. While we’re both heartened to see more focus on getting young girls into STEM activities and programs, this quite simply is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to creating a culture in which it is expected (not just accepted) that girls will thrive in such settings.
Despite research demonstrating that girls’ scores on math and science tests are driven downward by expectations of scoring lower (not actual ability) boys are still believed to be more skilled in math and science. Boys (and men) hold this belief, as do girls (and women). Similarly, despite research showing that the old adage that women are emotional and men are logical (which has likely contributed to beliefs about girls’ and women’s abilities in math and science) holds no water, the stereotype persists. Wonderful research on a concept called normative male alexithymia (say that five times fast) suggests instead that while men may struggle to describe and understand their emotional experiences, they’re having them just the same – sometimes even more powerfully than women. This “women are emotional and men are logical” stereotype powerfully impacts women’s likelihood of getting promoted to leadership positions at work or elected into public office.
I know that this stereotype will impact my daughters’ beliefs in their own competence to lead, and will likely result in experiences of harassment or discrimination. How in the world do we prepare our daughters for this? And encourage them to believe in themselves, advocate for themselves, and fight for their goals?
Early in life, children learn mostly through observation and exploration of their world. Therefore, modeling serves as one of the earliest and most powerful ways we can teach our children. For those of you who are mothers, fathers, or other caregivers to young girls, think about how you model what it means to you to be a woman or a man – what values, expectations, and assumptions do you convey about gender? Do you provide space for gender fluidity – allowing your daughters to explore and embody whatever traits fit for them, whether feminine, masculine, or a mix of the two? If you are parenting children with your spouse, partner, or significant other, what kind of intimate relationship are you modeling for your children, with regard to gender roles?
As your children’s exposure to world events increases, along with their awareness of differences and discrimination, use this awareness as an opportunity to talk about issues of oppression and equality with them. Help your daughters grasp the reality of gender-based inequities, and the risk of believing the stories and stereotypes that are out there. Practice with them how to respond to discrimination and harassment – and discuss what their rights are in relationships, at work, etc. Conversations about privilege and oppression are uncomfortable for many, though honesty and openness about these facts of our society is the beginning of systemic change. It’s vital that you explore your own ideas and experiences of oppression and equality, before embarking on conversations with your children. As all parents know, your kids will ask you pointed and tough questions – be ready!
In my house, we’re starting with conversations as parents – and finding opportunities to talk with our kids about “boy” things and “girl” things. We’re exploring what it means to have privilege. We’re talking about what it means to be brave, courageous, and strong. We’re fostering interests and passions, and working hard to demonstrate unconditional acceptance of whomever our children are becoming. And we’re preparing for difficult questions and conversations that we know are to come – while knowing that our kids are smarter than we are in so many ways and will, of course, throw us some whammies.
Muscle up, buttercup.