Chaos Space
I often think of my family’s schedule as a game of Tetris – each piece needs to be guided into place, to fit seamlessly with the pieces around it, in order to complete tasks and avoid wasting time. This is fairly easy to do when the pieces fall slowly (as they do in the easier levels of Tetris), but becomes increasingly difficult when things move more quickly, or more pieces are added. When this happens, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, and to feel out of control. Soon, this spreads to multiple domains in life – the house gets messier, unopened mail piles up, administrative tasks at work fall by the wayside, you forget to plan your kid’s birthday party, etc. And, you realize that the distance between control and chaos isn’t as far as you thought it would be.
Most of us exist in this gap between control and chaos, though not all gaps are created equal. Some people teeter on a thin line between control and chaos, meaning that small changes to the routine or the insertion of one or two new stressors at a time can push them into chaos. This chaos can have notable consequences – e.g., neglecting one’s health, emotional, relational, and/or spiritual needs. And, it can take longer than you’d expect to bounce back.
Can we, or should we, work to avoid chaos 100% of the time? This idea is probably tempting to a lot of people, but it’s neither realistic, nor as great as it sounds. Periods of chaos can lead to a realization that something needs to change, and prompt some creative problem solving. Change itself – even the best kinds of change – can create chaos as we strive to adapt to the change.
With the assumptions that: 1.) Not all chaos is bad chaos, and 2.) Some of the bad chaos is avoidable, I propose the idea of creating and maintaining Chaos Space in your life.
Chaos Space = emotional and logistical wiggle room.
You may not have enough Chaos Space if the following apply to you:
- You react with notable anxiety or anger if your plan for the day is disrupted, OR the smallest change has the potential to ruin your entire day (or week) because of how tightly scheduled you are – or how tightly wound you are
- You find yourself becoming more easily frustrated with the usual daily expectations of your energy and time
- You ignore your body’s signs of fatigue, hunger/satiation, illness, etc.
- You find yourself routinely sacrificing your daily needs – whether basic physical needs or emotional needs – in order to complete tasks or care for others
- You resent those closest to you for not being as busy or committed as you are
- You don’t have time to nourish yourself emotionally and spiritually – e.g., via connections with loved ones, being creative, engaging in a favorite hobby, getting outside, etc.
- When you are with your loved ones, you’re unable to be there mentally, enjoying the moment, because you’re waiting for what’s coming next
How can you create more Chaos Space?
- Remind yourself that you do not need to fill every moment of the day – it’s OK to build in wiggle room. And guess what? If you don’t end up needing that space, you might have 15 minutes to sit outside, call a friend, make a yummy snack, or read for fun.
- Before taking on any new responsibilities or saying ‘yes’ to something that will add to your already busy schedule, stop and think. Decide upon a moratorium on ‘yes’ – for example, if you find yourself tempted to say ‘yes’ to something being asked of you, reply with, ‘I’ll get back to you,” and consider the request for a few hours.
- Buy a notebook or use the notes function on your smartphone and observe and record your activities for three days. Record any activity that takes longer than five minutes. After three days, take a look at your observations and consider how you’re using your time. For example, when you find that you have some time to spare, is it your inclination to immediately fill it? How much of your potential chaos space is taken up by checking social media? Is your time and energy being devoted to things that are meaningful to you? Consider sharing your observations with someone close to you, and brainstorm some potential changes.
- Decide upon some non-negotiables – things you know you need in order to function and be a calmer human. This might be a particular amount of sleep, a certain amount of alone time or exercise, quality interactions with your partner or kids, etc. If anything is interfering with these non-negotiables, change it.
- Ask yourself whether you are effectively utilizing your support system. Would Aunt Judy love spending more time with the kiddos? Can you afford to have someone clean your house once a month? Can your partner take something off your plate, or do what’s needed to allow you to take some time for yourself? Can you ride share or exchange babysitting or cooking with friends or neighbors? Do you have a friend who’s amazing at using a bullet journal and can guide you through it? Remind yourself frequently that you’re not as alone as you may feel sometimes.
Your therapist can help you with additional strategies, and going to therapy is a great way to seek out that chaos space.
Happy hunting –