In the past several weeks, I imagine that a prevailing topic of water cooler discussions at your job has mirrored a theme I have been experiencing with clients, colleagues, and friends – the accusations and testimony surrounding, and the subsequent confirmation of, Brett Kavanaugh to the United States Supreme Court. If you are someone who has been sexually harassed, threatened, or assaulted, this news cycle may be quite triggering for you. I’d like to take a moment to validate your experience, and offer some thoughts and encouragement for you. For those of you who have not directly experienced this type of violation (though everyone knows someone who has), I’m hopeful that this information and perspective will educate and empower you, as well.
There are many common myths associated with trauma, and it’s beyond a single blog post to challenge them all. We’ll take on just a few here. You may want to start with a quick review of the scope of the problem, and then continue reading below.
One common (and quite harmful) myth is that victims who do not immediately report the incident have something to hide, or are somehow complicit or responsible for what happened to them. Many factors influence a victim’s decision to report an assault: Fear of further harm or retribution, fear of being ostracized by a group or punished in some way (e.g., being looked over for a promotion), embarrassment/shame, misplaced self-blame, bad experiences reporting similar events in the past (or witnessing this happen to others), believing nothing will come out of reporting the incident, a desire to push away thoughts and feelings about what happened in order to move on – the list goes on. A major societal shift needs to occur with regard to how victims of sexual assault and misconduct are treated, as well as in the actual prosecution rates for sexual crimes. A shift toward helping victims feel respected, empowered, believed, and supported would likely result in higher rates of reporting and fewer overall assaults.
Another harmful myth has to do with how memory works. Many people assume that our normal memory process resembles some sort of infinite filing system – that we have rows upon rows of “cabinets” in our brain, that we can pull up information via this logical filing system, and that if we remember things differently over time, this is suspicious. In actuality, we have different types of memory, each relying on other brain connections and processes. For example, some memories are tied to emotional experiences (e.g., when we’re sad we’re more likely to remember sad times from the past) or sensory experiences (e.g., when we smell a particular cologne it reminds us of someone in the past who also wore that scent). Some memories are extremely vivid and detailed, while others are foggy. How many of you remember where you first met your significant other, versus what you had for breakfast the day you met this person? These two experiences have very different emotional connotations, and it’s understandable that the former would be more vivid than the latter. Memory for traumatic experiences can work the same way – e.g., the memories can be experienced as quite vivid and detailed. However, the opposite can also occur – victims of traumatic experiences (particularly sexual traumas) often experience gaps in memory. They might not remember aspects of the event, things that happened around the time of the event, or may even have complete amnesia for the event itself. These memory gaps are sometimes filled in over time, sometimes not. What is even more frightening for many traumatized individuals is the fact that they may be impacted on a day-to-day basis by the traumatic event, even if they don’t remember it – these impacts are often seen in the person’s relationships, self-esteem, mood, cognition, and other ways.
Yet another myth (one that also extends its tendrils across many facets of our criminal justice system) involves the perception of who perpetrates sexual assaults. Individuals of color are disproportionately arrested and prosecuted for crimes, and receive harsher punishments. Some assault victims whose perpetrators are White and privileged may find that their reports are more scrutinized, and justice can be difficult to come by. A hot spot for this injustice and lack of consequences is often on college campuses. Additionally, many assault victims are treated poorly by the criminal justice system, by their workplace, and even by friends and family – doubt is cast upon their reports, and they may be treated with as much suspicion as an accused perpetrator. Is it any wonder why so many victims choose not to report?
If you are someone who can connect on a personal level with current news events, and find that you are struggling with a resurgence of trauma or anxiety-related feelings or behaviors, get help. Don’t minimize the impact that this is currently having on you – it’s valid to feel triggered by the messages you’re hearing and seeing, by the viewpoints of those who misunderstand or willfully ignore the experiences of those who have been sexually traumatized. Seek support – whether it’s via online or in person support groups, with friends or family, or from a therapist. Find ways to validate your own experience and use your voice to advocate for yourself and others. Advocating for yourself might mean being firm in setting boundaries with someone, asking for that raise you know you deserve, doing something healthy for your body, etc. Advocating for others might mean connecting with others over a shared experience, volunteering for a cause that is meaningful to you, talking with your kids about what’s going on in the world, etc. Be sure that you’re staying connected to your body and your emotions – and also to what is real around you – grounding and mindfulness exercises can help with this. Focus on building your sense of physical and emotional safety, including in your relationships. And center yourself with the knowledge that you are NOT to blame for what happened to you. Whether you were drunk or sober, whether you were dressed conservatively or for a night on the town, whether you were walking by yourself or with friends, if you initially said ‘yes’ and then said ‘no,’ or whether the person who assaulted or harassed you was a stranger, a date, a co-worker, or a spouse. Let the shaming messages you hear move right along, and remember your ferocity and resilience, those strengths of yours that have helped you through your experiences.