It’s in the air…

.and I’m not just talking about a change of seasons. Or smoke (where I live, in Colorado, and other places, of course). I’m talking about anxiety. It’s this invisible force surrounding and infiltrating so many of us right now in unprecedented ways. In the 18 years I’ve been doing therapy, I have never before sat with, held, and experienced with my clients this level of stress, anxiety, and fear. At times, it’s even been difficult to differentiate what is fear (a reaction based on the legitimate appraisal of a real threat) and what is anxiety (an emotion that feels a lot like fear, but is often based on what our brains perceive as threatening). The coronavirus is a real threat to everyone, though, for some, the virus poses a much higher risk. 2020 has also seen dozens of natural disasters – wildfires, hurricanes, el derecho winds – that are real threats to people’s livelihoods and safety. Millions of people across the U.S. have been subject to racial hatred, violence, prejudice, and disparities that result in loss of health and life. These are all real threats, and as a result, it’s difficult to say to my clients (or myself, for that matter) with a straight face that what they’re experiencing is anxiety, is of their own creation, and is abnormal. In these times, that delineation of anxiety vs. fear is so blurry that it’s almost meaningless.

While I’m happy to validate you and your experiences, the fact is that too much fear can make us feel helpless or frozen, cause elevated frustration or anger, or can prompt us to avoid the things that might help us feel better. All of these reactions make things worse for us and can even result in other mental health issues developing along the way (e.g.., depression). As much as you might want to run away into the wilderness and live in a cave for the next year, or until after the election (or for another four years, depending upon the results), instead, I’d like to offer up a helpful framework –

The Four C’s.

Compassion

As I’m hoping to validate you and your experiences in this blog, it’s important to work on validating yourself. Negative self-judgment comes so easily, especially in times of stress, and it can turn fear into low self-worth and anxiety. When you notice yourself judging your thoughts or emotions, label those as “judgments,” and remind yourself that they do not represent truth. Change those judgy thoughts from your own voice to someone else’s (think, a distinctive, high-pitched, mean girl voice, for example), or give the judgy thought a form and imagine holding it in your hand and examining it before placing it in a box in the closet. As you notice and set aside the judgy thoughts, invite in some self-compassion and self-care.

Curiosity

The most common way people deal with fear and anxiety is to avoid – people avoid places or situations that prompt anxiety, they avoid thoughts that trigger anxious feelings, or social interactions that they cannot predict. Avoidance is the opposite of being curious. Avoidance is like saying to yourself, “I do not want to know anything about what I’m thinking or understand what I’m experiencing – I just want to escape and pretend everything is OK.” It’s like putting your head in the sand as a sandstorm is coming. Curiosity, on the other hand, is an openness to experience, to perceive things in multiple ways. It’s a questioning and a wondering, without judgment. When we’re curious about ourselves, we can learn what is triggering for us, what kinds of things help us to feel better, and we often find inner reserves of coping we didn’t even know we had.

Courage

Courage is related to Curiosity. Courage means facing something we’re scared of – being brave or courageous doesn’t mean we don’t feel fear. In fact, it implies that we are aware of fear and of the thing(s) causing our fear, and instead of avoiding those things, we’re facing them. Staring them down, giving them the stink eye, and maybe even the middle finger. And, at the same time, we’re curious and coming up with ways to get around the fear, push through the fear, or otherwise take power away from it.

Connection

Fear thrives when we feel lonely. When we’re connected to others, when we feel supported and cared for, and when our courage is being nurtured by others, fear’s foundation becomes cracked and unstable. Remember, a connection isn’t necessarily about quantity – it’s about quality, and should match what your own social-emotional needs are.

The upcoming days, weeks, and months may present the biggest emotional challenges you’ve faced in your life. Finding a way to make the Four C’s a part of your day-to-day life will contribute to your sense of strength and stability in these times.